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THE FAMILY RULES

1. We are kind. This is the most important rule. All our other rules are part of this rule. Diagram 2.

2. We do not hurt other people’s bodies. The only exceptions are for protecting our own bodies or other people’s bodies. The rule on asserting ourselves explains this.

a. We do not hurt other people’s bodies intentionally.

b. We are careful that we do not hurt other people’s bodies accidentally.

3. We use consent.

a. We don’t do anything to another person’s body without their permission.

b. We don’t touch or do anything to another person’s things without their permission.

c. If someone says “No,” “Don’t,” or “Stop,” or if they yell or do something else that lets us know they don’t like what we’re doing, then we stop what we’re doing immediately.

d. We don’t go into another person’s room without their permission.

e. We don’t wake up another person without their permission. People need to get enough sleep to be happy and healthy and well.

f. We don’t take things away from other people without their permission, even if they shouldn’t have the things. Either solve the problem by discussing it or find an adult to help.

g. We ask people if they want our help before we help them. We don’t help them if they don’t want our help.

h. We call people only the names they like to be called.

i. If someone gives us permission to do something, but then they change their mind, we still have to stop.

4. This is a speaking family.

a. When we have something to say, we say it calmly, clearly, and sincerely.

b. We don’t cry, yell, or whine to get what we want.

5. This is a problem solving family.

a. The opposite of problem solving is usually complaining.

b. We always try our best.

c. We do the best we can with what we have.

d. We are not afraid to try a solution that may not work. If it doesn’t work, we will try different ideas until one succeeds.

e. When we’re going to do something that we think might be hard or have a problem, we stop and think about how we can avoid the problem.

f. When we can do something easily by ourselves, we do not ask for help.

g. When we are having a problem doing something by ourselves, we slow down, take a breath, and think carefully about how we might solve the problem.

h. It is ok to ask for help after we have done our best to solve a problem without help.

i. The best way to ask for help usually includes the words “would you please” and says exactly what help you need. For example, “Daddy, would you please help me with my zipper–it’s stuck,” is much better than, “Please help!” or “My zipper is stuck!” or “This doesn’t work!”

j. The way we get better at things is by practicing them.

k. When we have a difficulty with another person, we try to solve the problem. That usually means sharing, taking turns, or compromising.

l. We can do hard things. Diagram 2

6. We assert ourselves appropriately.

a. When we have a problem with what someone is doing or not doing, we assert ourselves. That means we talk to the other person and tell them what we want or need.

b. When we assert ourselves, we don’t cry, yell, fuss, whine, or hit the other person. We talk to them in a clear, calm, kind.

There is a four-step procedure that usually works:

Step 1: If someone does something to us that we don’t like, we say something like, “Please stop. I don’t like that.”

Step 2: If they keep doing it, we say it again, but with more force. “I said stop! I don’t like that!”

Step 3: If they keep doing it, we get away from them and ask an adult in charge for help.

Step 4: If they won’t let us or another person get away from them, it is ok to hurt them so we or the other person can get away. We can only hurt them as much as necessary to protect ourselves or the other person and to get away.

7. We are helpers.

a. When someone needs or wants help, we try to help them (unless they tell us not to).

b. If someone gets hurt or starts to cry or yell, we stop what we are doing and see if we can help them.

c. We try to make things easier for other people.

d. We try not to make things harder for other people

8. When we are children, we do what our parents say.

a. This is especially important when they say “stop,” “pause,” or “freeze.”

9. We act safely.

a. Almost anything can be dangerous. Whatever the situation we are in, we keep ourselves safe, and we keep the people around us safe.

b. Some of the most dangerous things for most kids are cars, guns, stairs, doors, string, fire, water, electricity, and anything that can cover a mouth or nose. We are especially careful of these.

i. We get out of the street if a car is coming

ii. We never lie down in the street, even if we get hurt or we’re upset.

iii. We never push or pull in a parking lot, near the top of the stairs, or other dangerous places.

iv. We never wrap string or rope around a neck or other body part. That can block the flow of blood and cause the body part to die.

v. We never lock someone in or out of a place where they are allowed to go. We never trap someone in a room unless they are a serious danger. We never push or pull on a door that someone else is trying to use–that’s how fingers get crushed.

vi. We never put tape or a bag over a mouth or nose; we never allow someone else to do that to us.

vii. If anyone is playing with a gun, we leave immediately and find a safe place. A place where someone is playing with a gun is never safe.

viii. We are extremely careful with people’s heads and faces. We never poke anything into anyone’s eyes, ears, nose, or mouths. We keep sharp or pointy objects away from these body parts

ix. Electric current could give us terrible burns and stop our hearts. We never play with electrical outlets, cords, or batteries. We never touch metal that could have electricity flowing through it. We keep liquid far from sources of electricity.

x. Fire can quickly get out of control and destroy a whole house or even a whole neighborhood. We keep fire in places where it goes, like fireplaces, candle holders, and stoves. We do not do things that could let it escape, like throwing our Hanukkah juggling balls near the menorah. Children only use fire if an adult plans and supervises.

xi. If a person is in water they can’t swim in, they will die. Deep water, moving water, and ice covered ponds are especially dangerous. We always make sure we swim or skate with an adult or lifeguard.

10. It is a parent’s job to teach their children their rules and make sure their children follow those rules.

a. Sometimes this means doing things that would otherwise count as breaking the rules.

b. Parents may pick their kids up and put them in the kids’ rooms if the kids do not follow the rules.

c. Parents may take away a toy, screen device, or other item from a person who does not follow the rules.

11. We regulate our emotions.

a. It is ok to have difficult feelings.

b. No one else forces us to have feelings. When we have difficult feelings, it is our job to control how we respond and to calm ourselves down if we need to.

c. When we have difficult feelings, it is often good to go to a different place to deal with the feelings away from others.

d. When someone around us is having difficult feelings, we should help them if we can. If we can’t help, we should get away from them.

e. If we start to have difficult feelings that we can’t control, it is good to close our eyes and try to focus only on our breathing until our minds are clear.

f. We can say calming words to ourselves. These are good ones: I breathe in, I breathe out. My thoughts and feelings move away like clouds in the sky, like fish in the sea, like trains in a station. They drift away like the mist of my breath on a cold day. But I am the sky not the clouds, the sea not the fish, the trains not the station. I am the breather, not the breath. I watch my thoughts and feelings move through me and away from me until only I remain and I am clear and still.

g. There are many other things that can help us calm down. Some good ones are: counting to 100, counting backwards from 100 to 0, solving math problems, playing chess, solving chess or logic puzzles, playing music ,and exercising. It is much easier not to be controlled by our feelings when we do any of these things.

h. We calm ourselves down until we control our feelings and our thoughts, and they do not control us.

12. We are truth speakers.

a. Saying things that are not true makes people feel unsafe with us.

b. We face hard truths.

c. We are kind with the truth. Sometimes this means we soften it.
i. We do not tell people when we have something they don’t.

ii. We don’t say anything about it when someone is not good at something or has had a bad experience.

iii. We try not to be showoffs.

iv. We try to say things in a way that is not likely to be hurtful to someone.

13. When we do the wrong thing, we try to fix it.

a. First, we apologize.

i. The purpose of an apology is to let the other person know that they can feel safe with us. We need to let them know that we are not going to do the bad thing again.

ii. If we have done something bad to someone by accident, we say, “I am sorry. That was an accident. I did not mean to do it, and I will be careful so that I do not do it again.”

iii. If we have done something bad to someone intentionally, we say, “I am sorry. I should not have done that. I will not do it again.”

b. After we apologize, we try to fix what we have done or make up for it.

i. If we break something, we try to fix it or replace it.

ii. If we make a mess we try to clean it up.

iii. If someone is hurt, we ask if we can help them.

iv. If someone is sad, we ask if we can do anything to make them feel better.

v. Sometimes when we wrong people we need to give them space.

14. We appreciate what has value; we do not waste.

a. This is especially true for time, food, money, water, and electricity.

i. We try not to take more food than we’ll eat.

ii. We turn off the water when we’re not using it.

iii. We put caps on the markers when we’re not drawing.

iv. We keep doors and windows closed when the heat or air conditioning are on.

v. We take our backpack, lunch, and water bottle when we go to school so Daddy doesn’t have to bring them to us later.

vi. We don’t leave our glasses or screen devices where they will get broken easily because they are expensive to replace.

vii. We go quickly when someone is waiting for us.